Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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