even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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