yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
