it's too hot outside to masturbate.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
