I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
