what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
