Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
