so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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