fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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