I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
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