what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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