Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
