You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
