It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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