Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
