I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
