I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
