Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
