if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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