my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
