Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
