Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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