Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
