you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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