i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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