her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
