Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
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