there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
