dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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