and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
