i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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