Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
