According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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