Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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