Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
