Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
