FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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