I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
