I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
