I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
