If that was your dad, he is hot
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I did not marry a roomba.
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