I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
