Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
