Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
