my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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