My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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