I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
