Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
