I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
