I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
