I accidentally had phone sex last night
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
